Welcome to my annual cathartic thought dumping exercise!
My enduring memory of the year is feeling constantly overwhelmed by my day to day existence. Which is less than ideal.
Looking at this from a safe distance, I’d say it is an upgrade on previous years where I had more of a general sense of existential threat around the subject of being about to fuck everything up forever as I approached the end of my medical training.
I am still rehabilitating from the complex trauma of working my way up the ladder to a consultant position in Neuro Intensive Care. But I have got there and it hasn’t been a disaster thus far. I am gradually realising that I am good enough to do my big boy job and that I will get better with time and eventually be like a wise owl in the field. I was hoping to combine that with General Intensive Care but doing both looks like more hassle and time at work than its worth and actually establishing myself in one place is feeling exciting. The door to a split role isnt closed but the job plan isnt attractive.
As time goes on, I can see how this group of people and patients that I get to work with becoming a focus of my love and attention and it feels lovely to say yes to that space. Making friends and being present at work after years of 3-6 month long rotations is amazing. The fact I only have to be in around 3 days a week has made a lot of time and space for us as a family and I feel super privileged to be in that position in a well paid role.
Time and space has created room for new possibilities, one in canine form and the other more demonstrably human and wife-like.
Frankie, our whippet, came to us in February at 8 weeks old and we celebrated his first birthday on 10th December. We basically decided to get a dog 2 years early because I was using all my free time to obsess over a variety of long term outcomes (financially, parentally and relationally) that I had little control over and unsuprisingly was losing my mind with stress. Being a dog guardian has dragged me into the present in those free moments in a way that has been both stressful and enriching. It has allowed the part of me that loves deep diving into learning to have a new subject to explore. In the days of social media, learning anything new is like trying to learn how to drink from a firehose. Information spraying everywhere in every direction. Eventually though I found my guyyyyyy in Max Randall who runs MK9Plus.com and instagram handle @mk9plus. He has been incredible and I would recommend him to every one with a dog that wants to understand their dog better. Here's a referral link if you want in. Bonus outcome of walking a dog daily is that my back pain is essentially resolved so stage one of the snake hips program is going ok.
Erin has started working 3 days a week in Winchester as a Specialist Fetal Medicine Midwife. Its early days, and I think all still a bit overwhelming having worked from home for 2 years after a year of covid flavoured mat leave but its really wonderful watching her feel her way through it an rediscover the joy of being out of the house being an adult regularly. She’s still great and maturing like a high end whiskey with exceptional market value.
The sense of overwhelm that has seasoned my year seems to mostly centre around feeling like I could be being a better husband/father/friend/dog parent and whilst that sentiment is true it appears my internal narrative seems to be lacking in self compassion and unable to focus on times when I smash it out of the park. This is unfortunate and I’m hoping to address it with some more therapy when I feel like I have the money. I did see a therapist earlier in the year but sort of felt like I was paying someone to listen to me talk before saying ‘cool, i’ll see you next week. that will be £50’ so I think I went with the wrong therapist/type of therapy.
The other aspect to the constant sense of overwhelm is that it turns out raising 3 small children is overwhelming. I genuinely don’t see how you can do it justice and not feel like you are running on fumes most of the time. The boys, now 8, 5 and 3 are actually wonderful individuals. A mess of developing brains and unbridled emotion. They make me laugh and fill my heart with joy regularly within the same 12 hour period that they have left me feeling like my brain doesnt work anymore. My earnest recommendations to them would be:
develop the ability to emotionally regulate in response to life’s challenges
navigate sibling rivalry with an intact relationship with parents and siblings
learn to recognise relative urgency of the problem in front of them and consider whether I need to be directly involved at this particular stage or could I perhaps be able to finish the act of basic self care/household task that I am currently engaged in before addressing their strongly felt need. (see point one)
Eat a balanced diet rather than just potatoes and mayonnaise so I can stop worrying that they are going to die.
Unfortunately it seems to be my responsibility to teach them the relevant tool kit to achieve this. And thats the crux of it right? Kids, like the rest of us, are good inside, they just need a hand navigating this mad world.
I remain in a relatively passive but universalist state with faith. God is there and willing to chat but I’m mostly too busy with other things to hang out. I’ve recently started listening to a podcast on understanding the bible from an eastern perspective which has been interesting but I can’t help but feel pulled towards pointless intellectual mastubation rather than meaningful spirituality when engaging with theology outside of actual human relationships. “Why not go back to church then?” i hear you say. I feel that the churches I have experienced have created a practice of serving up opinions as fact where debate might actually be needed/helpful and I just don’t want to be a part of making people’s minds and worlds smaller and I dont want my kids to value that either. Find me a space where wrestling with real shit that matters to real people now is given priority over bland messaging and altar calls and you might have my attention. It seems to me at the moment that the value in spirituality is engaging in spirituality rather than whatever it is the sunday show is made for.
I don’t have the capacity to think about the vast numbers of injustices all around the world and have disconnected from the news largely apart from a daily check of the guardian news website to see which nation has started a war with which civilian group. Part of me thinks this makes me a shit human but I genuinely can’t deal with hearing about things I can do nothing about all the time so I just focus on my family, dog, work and friends. sorry if thats callous.
Football is taking up vast amounts of my brain space that I could be using to feel stressed about various conflicts. I am having the season of my life in Fantasy Premier League. Saints are liquid football under Russell Martin. I’m considering supporting the coaching of gabe’s football team in time and enjoying exploring the FA’s resources on development of coaching skills. I appear to have negotiated permission to do an annual football long weekend to a random country to watch teams I dont know very well play football. This year I went to Holland and saw 3 games and i loved every minute.
Being coeliac is a bit shit but I’ll get over it.
I went to a couple of art classes in the last few months and it was incredible to just sit and do art without needing a particular outcome to happen. The most hilarious experience was being told that I would be “working with wool today” at one and enjoying letting the fear and confusion gradually seep away as I stuck bits of wool to stuff. I would like to do more art. I have bought some watercolour pencils to obsessively colour in a Stranger Things colouring book that Erin has bought me and have been given a watercolour set to start that journey. Please do art, its lovely.
My plans for next year currently include:
Read a DIY manual and conquer my fear of failure in DIY and any subsequent related rejection
Get some more therapy and hopefully learn about 1. forming more secure attachments so i dont fear rejection over bad DIY attempts and 2. being more compassionate with myself
Maybe do the introduction to football coaching with the FA
Castrate the dog because he has an undescended testis. Don’t worry the vets gonna do it
Exercise to get strong
Do more art
Carry on doing all the other bits I have responsibility for
Spend more evenings listening to music whilst writing, arting or reading
Watch all the good TV
I would love to hear about your year, your mess, your joy and your aspirations so hit me up if you like.
x
❤️❤️❤️