Its been another hard year. But I think its probably going to be ok and thats really nice because it didn’t always feel like that.
We have stopped having extra children because three is definitely enough. We love them all dearly and yet are mostly exhausted by our day to day existence with our 3 young boys.
Gabriel, 7 years old, health issues aside (see below) is I think generally having a nice time. He is now a Tottenham fan, cos of Harry Kane innit, despite less than subtle efforts to dilute his allegiance. This has been my first insight into supporting your child in making safe choices that you don’t necessarily agree with.
Jesse, 4 years old, is a whirlwind of emotion and whimsy. In some ways I hope he stays that way forever and yet progress with emotional regulation is eagerly awaited.
Remy, 2 years old, and appears to be relishing the last child vibe by getting away with murder on a regular basis. He’s pretty cute.
Curiosity is growing as to what degree of pain we might invite into our lives by adding a dog into the mix. I think we are convinced it is a great idea but will probably wait a couple of years. I look forward to it immensely with gently rose tinted spectacles.
Erin is actually relentlessly brilliant and after 12 years of marriage I’m still besotted so don’t get any bright ideas. She has born the brunt of a heady blend of patriarchal nonsense and my pathological career choice over the years and so she is extremely relieved that I have stopped being a doctor in training and started being a person who works 3 days a week as an intensive care consultant. I am hoping to make space for her to emerge from her research role with excitement about next steps.
Last year broke both of us in different ways at different times. Antidepressants, going part time, clinical psychologists, lovely friends and families, and kissing goodbye to the weight of thinking I was going to f*** up on the final rung of the medical training ladder got us through to now. Life feels brighter despite the crazy that remains.
Faith remains neatly deconstructed without much plan of the specifics of reconstruction but I remain convinced that that is ok and that I think the big ‘I am’ is pretty chilled about where I land that plane. Leaving behind some ideas, people, practices and obligations relating to that has been really good. Thanks to people who have entertained my ramblings on the subject.
I have gained some new ailments. Gabriel and I have been diagnosed with Coeliac disease. Gabe had been losing weight and struggling with malabsorption symptoms so it was a great relief to have a diagnosis that we can do something about. For me it means my much more mild IBS type symptoms have an explanation but my steady weight gain/maintenance of a healthy size is all on me. We are both adjusting to the news and I would summarise my reflections on life as a coeliac as thus:
Gluten free bread is mostly terrible. There are bearable brands but we are all kidding ourselves when we say any are great. Gluten just seems to be really excellent at making bread not taste awful. RIP to my sourdough baking hobby 2020-2022.
Focusing on mostly eating food that is naturally gluten free is the way forward
Gluten (Barley/Rye/Oats/Wheat/Spelt) is needlessly placed in lots of unexpected stuff. Check the label.
I continue to be troubled by the aches and pains one would typically attribute to a 62 year old such as low back pain and shoulder pain but I am hoping to unlock my snake hips over the next year or so through charisma, persistance and youtube tutorials.
I have developed a deep appreciation for bars of soap. I feel little towards your traditional brands but am working my way through a variety of more homebrewed soaps, preferably with the scratchy bits in. Going through this journey of discovery has revealed to me that many would use the soap to gain a lather then put down the soap before using it on their own bottom where I would prefer to continue with soap in hand. My openess about the subject has led to an assurance that my soap is only being used by me which i’m chalking up as a win.
I find great joy in pretending to be a football managing genius through playing fantasy premier league and finding a community of similarly obsessed folk has been really fun. Spending lots of time on something obviously meaningless is absolutely wonderful. Supporting Southampton FC appears to be heading in a bad direction.
Other key updates include
I started watching Ted Lasso and it’s perfect. I won’t hear a bad word about it
I finally finished Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul and El Camino. I feel fortunate to have been on this journey.
Jazz is better than I realised.
Still can’t handle caffeine. Probably set for life now.
Dr Becky’s ‘Good Inside’ is awesome.
I am still searching for the right armchair.
It is a wonderful thing to have lovely people in your life. I would love to hear about how 2022 worked out for you. Hope you get chance to reflect this next week. Be kind to yourself, for what its worth, I think you’re great.