I could get used to this

I want to just bear witness to the fact that something incredible has happened and is happening inside of me. I’ve been hesitant to share anything because it feels unfinished, personal and new. But I want to share something because it feels like the right time so here goes.

For as long as I can remember, I haven’t been very kind to myself and I’ve been pretty anxious.

I’ve had incredibly high expectations of myself and when I haven't met those expectations, or I anticipated that I might not in the future, I've been pretty brutal to myself internally. I’m fortunate that that hasn’t led to the more overt expressions of self harm, but I looked for ways to manage how I was feeling that were all pretty vanilla but nonetheless shit for me and people around me on various levels. For me that looked like eating my feelings and turning to goblin mode to self soothe with TV/Social media/porn, blaming Erin for my stuff, blaming the kids for my stuff and blaming the dog for my stuff.

I’ve been trying my best to unpick why I was feeling so anxious and stressed.

I’d really hoped it was just circumstantial.

And we’d been in the cauldron of raising our young family with medical exams and finishing the eternal job interview that is medical training so the circumstances were stressful for sure.

But a couple of years down the line with my consultant job I was still stressed as fuck, maybe even more so now because I felt like I should be ‘doing better’ now I had more time to myself.

So, what I wanted to say is that I found my way to some coaching and things are wonderfully different.

I started working with Alyssa Troob in January 2025, and it's been the most beautiful, transformative thing in all the ways I could have hoped for, all the ways I was scared of and all the ways I didn't expect too. I’m 6 months into a year of work with her and I feel radically more alive, safer in myself, safer to be around and excited to be here.

I feel like I can simultaneously see and feel

1. so many ways in which I created my own prisons mentally and physiologically over the years

2. A deep sense of responsibility for the life and experiences I am creating for myself and the people around me

3. A tremendous amount of empathy for all the past versions of myself that have done their best when they were scared and trying to make good through shitty actions

4. A way forward to build a rich and honest life with the people I love.

I feel like i’m learning to find joy and freedom in the slow, still, small, unplugged, playful energy of life and it's magical to write this knowing that I don’t really know how to explain it all but that I know its changed my course in life and I’m really grateful for that.

So that's where I’m at. Feeling connected, hopeful and like my capacity is back online. Hit me up if you want to know more, either way I hope you’re well and take courage in knowing that things don't have to stay shitty forever.